Sometimes, with your Twitters (like the one you mentioned), the difference in the misunderstanding can be as simple as adding a wink at the end if you’re simply being silly or teasing, and sometimes it seems like a lack of understanding of what your typing will sound like when read by someone else. (Your “NO! NO! NO!” twitter about ViddlerComm being done away with came off as almost hysterical… I honestly didn’t know what to make of it when I first read it, but ended up just simply shrugging and explaining why we eliminated the account.) I really wasn’t implying anything with my question either… I wasn’t mad or questioning whether we should be friends, simply questioning whether you really want to be following me on Twitter.

I think maybe there’s a misunderstanding of your tone on my part and a misunderstanding of my intent by questioning your tone. I think (since the internet is probably part of the cause of the situation) that we’ll have better luck sorting it out in person.

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I think that is one of the main problems with the internet. Comments made via email, twitter, etc., all can be interpreted completely the wrong way.

For example, you mentioned in your latest email that you were annoyed by a twitter I made recently. I was trying to be funny/ironic, not hurtful. You took it the wrong way and I didn’t even know you had until you mentioned it in the email. I’ve NEVER meant to be unkind in anything I’ve ever said to you. I apologize if any of it was taken that way.

And as I said in response to Michelle, I know that I do have a problem, at times, with not having much tact (and not even knowing at the time). That combined with the inherent problems with interpreting internet communication = not good.

As far as over simplifying things. Yes. I was trying to simplify things as much as possible in this blog post. After I wrote it I wondered if I should even post it just because it didn’t truly express my feelings, because I generalized so much. That and the fact that it seemed like it was aimed more at you than anything, even though that’s not what I was trying for. Contrary to how you, and others, may have taken it, this blog post was triggered by something you said, but it wasn’t just about you. It was about how I’ve been thinking about ALL of my relationships. My relationship with you just happened to be at the forefront at the time.

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Short version: Criticism without kindness is 1) not true honesty and 2) not a recipe for closeness. There’s a balance, and lately your replies to me haven’t had the “kindness” part of the balance, only the critical.

I think beneficial honesty includes a balance of criticism (that you honestly think will benefit the person, not just a way of venting what you don’t like about something a person does) and enough kindness and praise to make it clear that you still value the overall person.

The concept of “honesty is required for closeness” simplifies and doesn’t address the types of honesty that don’t benefit a relationship and aren’t really necessary (do I need to comment on your appearance each time that I see you even if you don’t ask me for that ‘honesty’ and even when my opinion is negative? would that make us closer?).

It’s also a bit hurtful that parts of this entry imply that because you’re assuming I can’t handle your “honesty”, you think we’ve reached a place where we’ll never be closer than we are now, and I think that lately our relationship has suffered in terms of closeness due to the fact that sometimes your honesty isn’t even slightly tempered by kindness, and in a lot of ways (as we’ve discussed in the recent past) I feel like I’ve tended to invest a lot more in our relationship than the two of you do (which I’ve eased up on, simply because it had felt so lopsided in terms of travel and invitations and interest in spending time outside of STeaP). I can handle honesty, but I’m not as interested in honesty that doesn’t sound like it comes from a place of kindness. I am in my own place of inner work to try and adjust how my criticism is perceived by others, which is why the tone of internetiquette has changed in the past month or so, so I’m certainly not implying that criticism+kindness is something I’ve mastered, but it’s something I see in you as being an area to work on, and I say that as a friend (hopefully a friend you will be closer to for having and hopefully continuing this conversation in person sometime).

Good grief, even my synopsis is long. Sorry about that.

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I do agree that there is a very slippery slope between honesty and tactlessness.

I think my problem is that I tend to slip into the tactless area, not on purpose, but because I tend not to think before I speak. It’s something I am really trying to work on.

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Within the past few months I’ve noticed that I had become friendly with one woman in particular, but I forsaw that she tends to react in such a manner to her family (who, admittedly, does sound as though they don’t treat her as well as they should) that makes me hesitant to become closer. I could probably be honest with her, but I choose not to because I distrust how she might react - and I am wary she may use her educational background to analyze my own behavior in an attempt to become dominant. There’s an inherent distrust that prevents me from being honest, and because of that, we won’t be able to become real friends.

Like you and Joe, I find I’m most honest with Chris, but I’m also lucky enough to have a few friends from whom I could say anything to and get a real, honest-to-goodness reaction. I appreciate that now much more than I used to.

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