The last bloom of the season:

A friend recently said something that made me start thinking about how much we say to each other that is not completely honest or truthful.

In an attempt to avoid hurting someone we hide our true feelings. But in doing so, how can we truly be friends if we aren’t 100% honest and truthful with each other?

About two weeks ago, my husband and I had a discussion about this exact subject and I realized that he is the only person in my life that I am completely honest with. My mom is the next person with whom I am the most honest.

In looking at that, I realized that the more honest and truthful I am with a person, the closer my connection is with that person.

Now that I’m writing this down, it all seems to be common sense, but it’s something I’ve just now really started to think about.

I have so many friends and family members with whom I would like to say are close, but they really aren’t unless I can be truthful with, and around, them. And with many, I feel like I can’t be truthful because we aren’t close enough.

Now that I’ve said that, it makes me wonder which comes first. The truthfulness or the closeness? Or both? It seems like they are intrinsically linked. That you can’t have one without the other.

Recently I’ve been wanting to be more honest and truthful with everyone I interact with. Especially to create closer bonds with the people in my life. My friend has noticed this, but has interpreted it as not being more open, but instead as just more disagreeable.

She recently stated something to the effect of whether or not she was really the kind of person that I wanted to be friends with. (Well, actually, it was just in reference to her Twitter feed, but I felt something in the tone of her reply that I think still applies in the general sense.)

The answer is yes. But I don’t think we can be friends on the level I would like.

I hadn’t thought about it much until she mentioned it, but I’m starting to wonder if we have been tip toeing around each other so much that our true selves are too different to continue to grow any closer as friends.

I wish it wasn’t the case, but I think that maybe I shouldn’t push the matter and just keep our friendship at a “superficial” level.

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Updated to add a clarification that I thought needed to be added to be truthful to my readers, specifically to the friend I refer to, considering this post is about honesty and truthfulness.

My husband and I were recently talking about creativity.

He tried to tell me in the kindest way possible that writing is just not my thing. He didn’t need to be gentle. I agreed with him right away. Whenever I sit down to write a novel I can’t ever seem to get the words to flow. When I do write, it’s generally flat and stilted. I do pretty good with non-fiction, but writing “literature” just does not seem to be my thing. I did complete NaNoWriMo last year, but the novel was horrible. Probably the worst thing I’ve ever written. Plot holes, one dimensional characters with multiple personalities (as in they changed their one-dimension qualities throughout the novel), etc.

However, I still have a very strong urge to tell stories, and I don’t think that will ever stop. We figured out that since I am such a visual person, I probably need to use a visual format, like a graphic novel or a screenplay, instead of a novel.

If you remember, I started a screenplay when Script Frenzy was going on. I was very happy with what I wrote in that case because it was a good way to translate what I see in my head onto paper. I just haven’t done much with it since then. I think I’ll dig it back out to see what I can do with it.

I think the idea of creating a graphic novel is a wonderful idea too, since I used to love to draw and paint. I just don’t see any of my current ideas fitting into that format. My husband, however, has written two stories that I would love to turn into graphic novels. One is about zombies and the other is a children’s story.

The only problem I see with getting back into writing/drawing is that I’ve not done either for at least a few months and I’ve started projects or developed interests in the mean time that already have me stretched a bit thin. I just have too many interests!

I also agreed to edit my husband’s 2007 NaNoWriMo novel for him, so I just don’t know how much more I’ll take on at the moment.

I’ll get the stuff out, but probably wont do much on any of it for another month, when I’m no longer consumed with my genealogy book or busy editing my husband’s novel.

I want what I do to be fun and not feel like something else I have to do.

Just a quick update to show how the Satsuki Azalea has changed since I got it.

The day I got it:

Today, after wiring a branch and removing a bunch of superfluous branches and many of the larger leaves:

It still has quite a way to go, but everyone at the bonsai society meeting last night told me that I shouldn’t work on it anymore than this. They said that since I had already done so much, I should just let it grow wild for the rest of the year and in the spring I can start to work on it again.

I got home about two hours ago from the Akron Canton Bonsai Society meeting.

A bunch of people had trees that they were doing some major work on and many of them were giving away cuttings.

As I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t had much luck with cuttings, but I decided to take what two of the people were giving out. (There was another guy working on a beautiful fig and I thought about taking some of his cuttings too, until I realized that his tree is horribly infected with scale. I DON’T want to deal with that.)

I also got a bunch of new tips from a couple of the seasoned members regarding how many leaves to remove (can’t really describe it in words; not too many, not too few, is the best I can say) and where to cut the bottom off (just below a pair of leaves that were also cut off).

I just spent the last hour potting all of them. I now have approximately two dozen cuttings. About a third of them are Trident Maples and the other two-thirds are ‘Deshojo’ Japanese Maples. A few are hardwood cuttings, but most are softwood.

Hopefully at least some of them take. But if they don’t, it’s no big deal. I won’t have wasted my time because I will at least know that whatever I was doing will not work the next time I try it (if I do try again).

Here are two photos by Walter Pall that show what a Trident Maple bonsai and a ‘Deshojo’ Japanese Maple bonsai can look like:

I just realized that I haven’t written about bonsai since May 8, when I wrote about the Satsuki Azalea that I got for Mother’s Day.

Well, since then, I decided to become a member of the Akron Canton Bonsai Society (ACBS) again.

I still only have one tree that could be considered bonsai, the Azalea, but I have five Japanese Maple seedlings (I have no clue what variety they are) that I collected/rescued from a neighbor’s lawn, that I plan to grow out for a few years to later use as bonsai. They don’t look to be in the best of health, but I think they’ll do okay because the soil they are in is very rich.

Also, it looks like I have established my first cutting. I’ve attempted to get cuttings from various trees over the past few years to grow them up as bonsai, but I’ve never had any success. The closest I got was with a Ficus cutting. It started to take, but then died. This time I took a clipping from the Azalea and put it in a small pot of approx half sand/half perlite, watered it, and set it outside in a shaded spot. I’ve occasionally moistened the leaves, but I’ve left the rest up to nature. I think the naturally humid summer of Ohio has helped quite a bit. I still haven’t tried to check the roots, but it’s been in the pot for over a month now and it still looks as green as it did when I put it in. So, I think it’s safe to say that it’s gonna be fine.

Earlier I said that I was going to visit a local bonsai nursery, but I still haven’t done that. I’d like to, but considering the fact I have a limited budget for bonsai in general and I still need to buy a bunch of tools, wire, etc. I don’t know if I’ll be going out there any time soon. I have no idea what kind of stuff they have and in what price range so I could end up going out there for nothing. And with the price of gas being so bad lately, I don’t want to risk it.

Later tonight I will be taking the Azalea to the ACBS meeting and getting some help from a guy who has quite a few Satsuki Azaleas. I think I’ll post something tomorrow to show it’s progression.

In writing my post about meditation I realized that it is likely my poor posture that is making my back hurt.

Anyone who knows me, in fact even those who don’t, knows that I have horrible posture. Just take one look at me and you can tell. I hate the fact that I slouch, but I’ve been doing it for so long now that I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. The only times I notice are when I see my reflection, or I see myself in picures, in which case I can’t do anything about it at that point (except for the fact that I’m probably slouching while looking at the photo).

It all began at the young age of 10 or 11 when I hit puberty and shot up to the height of 5′9″ almost overnight. Concurrently, I grew size 34C breasts and, being a shy girl to begin with, the new looks from guys a full head shorter than me didn’t help any. So what could I do? The only thing I could think of; I began to slouch in order to try to hide my figure and tall stature.

It didn’t work, but I still did it. And now I tend to look like a slob due to my “hunchback,” as my husband calls it, and my back muscles aren’t strong enough to stand or sit with good posture for any length of time. It sucks. If I could go back about twenty years and choose to be happy with myself rather than embarassed, I would.

So, a note to all you growing girls out there, slouching does not make you look less tall or less busty. Really. No matter what you may think. It just makes you look dumpy and screws up your back. DON’T DO IT!

For what seems like forever, (in reality its just been the last few years) my husband’s solution to almost every one of my problems has been:

“Go meditate.”

It’s almost become a joke between us, except I’m usually the only one finding it funny. I think he thinks I’m just not taking him seriously.

I’ve read books upon books about Buddhism and the integral role of mediation, so I know that my husband’s advise is usually spot on, but because of my bad previous experiences with meditation I’ve balked at the idea.

In the past whenever I’ve done meditation it has been in a group setting that has been a bit intimidating; monks in robes, incense, gongs, and sessions that were long. If I remember correctly, the last time I went with my husband to the meditation center, I think we did two 30 minute sessions that were practically back to back. After the first 30 minutes I tried to stand up but I barely could because my one leg was completely numb. I couldn’t feel it at all. And after the second session I was near tears from the pain in my back. Not fun, to say the least.

I’ve tried to adopt the rest of the Buddha’s teachings into my life, but I admit that there has always been something missing. Maybe a good analogy would be to say it’s like saying your a Christian yet refusing to pray, or probably even more accurate to say that your a Christian yet you refuse to believe in Jesus. Anywho, a few days ago I decided that I just needed to “sit down and shut up,” to quote Brad Warner, among other’s I’m sure.

But this time I decided to cut the session really short.

I set the timer for 10 minutes and sat down.

And I sat.

And I tried to focus on my breathing.

After probably 6 or 7 minutes, I started to get a few aches in my back that began competing for attention with my breathing. The pain wasn’t horrible and I found that if I mentally brought myself back to focusing on my breath, the pain became merely a sensation and not something bad. That is until I thought, “wow I don’t feel the pain anymore” in which case I just brought myself back to focusing on breathing.

And the next thing I knew the bell on the timer had sounded and I was done.

Piece of cake.

I know that 10 minutes isn’t very long, but it’s 10 minutes more than what I had been doing the day before. And I can always increase the time once my mind and body get used to it.

So now the plan is to meditate for 10 minutes every day (so far so good, by the way). I know meditation has helped my husband out. I hope it will help me. Eventually. I know I shouldn’t put any expectations on it.

Now my husband can start telling me to go do something else.

Wait a minute… that last sentence just sounds wrong.

The prompt for the 51st Edition of the Carnival of Genealogy says:

Do you have a relative who was feisty, spoke their own mind, was a bit of a free spirit? Anyone who most people might consider a “nut” on the family tree but you know they really just followed a “different tune?” We all have at least one person whose character and habits may have made them seem “ahead of their time” and now is the chance to tell us their story.

Almost every person in my family, in one way or another, could be considered a bit of a nut or an odd-ball, but only one person comes to mind when I think of the terms and phrases “feisty” “spoke their own mind” “free spirit” and “ahead of their time” and that is my great-grandmother, Thelma Corrine (Seibert) Furry (b. 22 January 1910 in Louisville, Kentucky; d. 22 March 2000 in Barberton, Ohio).

Even at a young age Thelma Furry was a handful. Her parents ended up sending her away to school for a year because they couldn’t control her rebellious ways. However, not long after she came back from school, she ended up getting pregnant at the age of 16 and having a daughter at age 17.

Sometime between 1932 and 1938 she ended up having an illegal “back alley” abortion even though she was studying to become a lawyer at the time.

In 1940 she graduated from the Akron School of Law, becoming the first woman trial lawyer in Akron, Ohio.

She championed the causes of those who were not generally given a fair shot, even appealing two cases to the United States Supreme Court (and winning!) when the trial results were not satisfactory. A sampling of those types of clients she represented were those who were suspected of being Communists, African Americans, clients with HIV/AIDS, and homosexuals. Any person who was unfairly discriminated against was someone she would happily represent. In the early days of her career, she was also one of the few lawyers who would work pro-bono cases or accept unusual forms of payment. In at least one case, she accepted payment in the form of her client mowing her lawn.

She was very outspoken in her beliefs, and attracted quite a bit of attention because of it. Some of it in the form of hate mail. Here are two transcriptions of letters she received:

Thelma Furry, You lousy slut. If I were [you] I would keep my damnable pencil and mouth shut. Why if you want Communist “liberties” dont you just go where they already exist, not try to bring the curse to our good country. Our President is going to put you in “Camp” I hope. You will be lucky if some mother of soldier boys does not shoot you down like the dog you are. I may take a try at it my self if any thing happens to the sons I love so much. We like our country as it is, if you don’t just get your “mob” together and I am sure our government would be glad to give you free passage to Russia. Mother of 3 boys. May Gods curses rest on you!!!

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TRAITORS BEWARE See the old man at the corner where you buy your paper? He may have a silencer equipped pistol under his coat. That extra fountain pen in the pocket of the insurance salesman who calls on you might be a cyanide gas gun. What about your milk man? Arsenic works slow but sure. Your auto mechanic may stay up nights studying booby traps. These patriots are not going to let you take their freedom away from them. They have learned the silent knife, the strangler’s cord, the target rifle that hits sparrows at 200 yards. Traitors beware. Even now the cross hairs are on the back of your necks.

But none of this ever scared her, at least outwardly. She continued to believe in the same ideals and continued to work for those people that other lawyers wouldn’t represent. I’m not sure about it, but I imagine that when she opened these letters that she just laughed at them, especially the second letter. The fact that it called her a traitor who was trying to take away freedoms, would seem absolutely ridiculous to her. It was completely opposite from her beliefs and goals. And in regards to the first letter, she most definitely wouldn’t have wanted anything bad to happen to the woman’s sons, or any other allied man serving in World War II. The type of “Communist” that the woman spoke of was not embodied by my grandmother. Unfortunately a lot of people hear the word Communist and think of completely opposite beliefs than what my grandmother held. She was a member of the Communist party for about 15 years, but she did eventually quit the party, stating that it was only because she thought her clients would be treated unfairly by juries and judges because of her political affiliation. It seems odd to me that a judge would make a decision based on a lawyer’s affiliation, but it happened at least once to one of Thelma’s clients. Fortunately Thelma and the client were able to get another trial with a different judge.

About a year ago I was reading through Thelma’s FBI file (yep, she has a FBI file, and a HUGE one at that… somewhere around 400/500 pages!) and I found a statement of hers that contradicted another person’s. I asked my grandmother, Thelma’s daughter, if she might have lied when she gave her statement. The answer she gave: “I never heard her tell a lie in my entire life. She was the kind of person who would rather go to prison than tell a lie. Just on principle. She could be belligerent. She might not answer a question, but she wouldn’t have lied.”

In her private life she was ahead of the times as well. My mom has told me stories about how Thelma was very open about sex and would speak to her about sex if the topic came up. Apparently Thelma viewed sex as simply another natural part of life and that there was no reason to be ashamed by it. This coming from a woman of her generation was simply unheard of. I actually remember finding a couple quotes by Ayn Rand about sex and sexuality in some of Thelma’s papers. One was:

“I say that sex is one of the most important aspects of man’s life and, therefore, must never be approached lightly or casually. A sexual relationship is proper only on the ground of the highest values one can find in a human being. Sex must not be anything other than a response to values. And that is why I consider promiscuity immoral. Not because sex is evil, but because sex is too good and too important.”

To end, I think that throughout her life Thelma definitely followed “the beat of her own drum,” but I also think that she got the “tune” from her father and mother.
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This is my entry for the 51st Edition of the Carnival of Genealogy: Independent Spirit

I just read this blog post by Jessica Oswalt on the Jessica’s GeneJournal blog and it got me thinking:

My husband asks me every so often why I do genealogy and frankly I’ve never had a good answer for him.

“I just love it,” I say. “I can’t explain why.”

Well, maybe now I can explain it. In college I had the best history teacher, Dr. George Vourlojanis. He made it come alive for me and I almost switched my major because of him.

I had never cared about history before I took his class. It was boring. Just a bunch of names and dates. But Dr. Vourlojanis had us do a project dealing with the Great Depression. We had to interview someone who lived through the years of the depression and find out about their life during that time. It didn’t have to be a relative, but I chose to interview my grandparents. What a gold mine that turned out to be. Genealogically and historically. Not only did I learn what it was like for them in that time, but I found out more about the Roosevelts, the New Deal, the WPA, the CCC, etc. than any history text book will teach you. It was info about how the people viewed these people/events/ideas/projects. It was all put into context and it was fascinating.

I wont lie, I always get a thrill just adding a new name to my family tree, without knowing anything else about the person, but I now realize that my main reason for doing genealogy is to find out about my family in the context of history. The more I learn about the time period they lived in and what they dealt with makes their lives more meaningful to me. And the more I learn about my family’s genealogy the more meaningful history becomes as well.